Recently, a blog titled "How Social Connections Enhance Mental and Physical Health" was sent to our members and subscribers (click on it to read if you haven't already). Following this, I received a letter from Mr Charlie Shears, which I would like to share with you, who has put a lot of thought into this condition that so many people in our modern world suffer from.
Introduction
By now, dear reader, you will have witnessed my penchant for poetry, and so once again, I will check in with a bard…One who loved the English Lake District and is thought to have plagiarised some of his sister’s work. I refer to William Wordsworth.
I wandered lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.
The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:
Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the milky way,
They stretched in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.
For oft, when on my couch I lie
in vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.
It is interesting to note that the first verse talks of loneliness and the last verse refers to solitude…
Maybe we can explore the difference and the nuances in the following:
Meanderings
Mother Teresa observed, “The greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, just having no one. That is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience." This amazing lady deliberately used the word “disease” to accent the critical nature of the affliction. It is now considered that loneliness is a medical condition where prolonged social disconnection represents a premature mortality risk, akin to smoking up to 15 cigarettes daily.
Thus, we are confronted with an imperative to find a cure. I stumbled across this potent reflection by a lonely soul at the time of the COVID crisis: A person who was frantically desperate enough to take deep personal risks to cure “alone-ness”. “I am that friend who is always busy—not even a pandemic could stop me. During quarantine, my Google calendar has been packed. But two months in, the fear of being alone began to creep in. I was Zoom fatigued, concerned about an indefinite loop of required social distancing and missing the human touch increasingly. The idea of finding a relative stranger to shack up with was becoming ever more appealing.”
I find myself wondering why this person is so needy. What is in our nature compels us to fear being alone?
According to a professor of psychology specialising in individual and population health (Julianne Holt-Lunstad), the answer lies in the fact that “social connection is linked to survival. It is one of the most fundamental motives we have.” A bloke corroborates this, Ben Pleat, the founder of Cobu (Support to residents when working together}. He advises that:
“The origins of loneliness run deep, from prehistoric times and in the earliest civilisations, loneliness was a biological prompt to get back with a tribe, where you have protection.” The phenomena of loneliness in our culture only emerged about 200 years ago. The Working class were always busy, and only the bourgeoisie with options of leisure and self-indulgence experienced aloneness, which could be conflated with solitude.
Like the world of affluence that led to isolation all those years ago, have we now, in these contemporary times, entered that same opulent plight, as many sole occupants rattle around in solitary isolation inside large, empty, echoing houses?
Revisiting indulgent aloneness.
Have you ever been so pierced by a wretched event or circumstance that you cannot eradicate from those stubborn memory banks? Allow me to share one of these distressing recollections:
A TV newsreel article, almost as a byline, did share the predicament of elderly folk in modern-day Japan. I was deeply moved to witness a wizened, bent old lady living alone in a tiny, stark, bare, hole-in-the-wall hovel. Her children, whom she had nurtured, had abandoned her to reach out to their wide world, selfishly reaping the benefits of an education she had sacrificed to give them. We were told that this was not an uncommon experience in that country. And an indictment on modern society?
In this story, we discern that the old woman had been callously rejected to endure a life of abject loneliness.
If we step back and consider loneliness, I am reminded of the adage, “Some are born great; some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.”
The shrivelled Japanese woman had loneliness thrust upon her.
In the case of the eremites, they seek and achieve the desired loneliness.
I must share the story of a dear friend (Bill) who has trotted off to the “Happy Hunting Grounds.” He was born at a time when married women, especially those with children, were not allowed to secure employment. Bill’s mother was deserted by his father, so survival depended on an income from the mother, who had been trained as a nurse. Bill’s very existence was the ”fly in the ointment,” so he was discreetly exiled in disparate lodging houses that were out of sight of the authorities. Bill was born into loneliness.
I read that loneliness is a distressing feeling that accompanies the perception that one's social needs are not being met by the quantity or, especially, the quality of one's social relationships.
I hear of folk who regularly engage with the “crowd” in clubs or organisational networks, but deep individual connection is missing. The need for involvement is satisfied, and achievements are valued, yet they still reside as remote " outsiders, with no quality of close personal relationship.”
I regularly witness a married couple who meet for a coffee every Thursday morning. He commands his status by securing a table as his wife obediently bustles off to place the order. She returns to his table and sits. He then always opens a book to disappear into his chosen world of literature. She always sits, stares into space, ignored, bored, quietly seething. Where is the quality of meaningful connection?
Thus, I am sufficiently cynical to believe that the quantity of relationships with many friends, either alone or in a crowd, deserves a zero rating in this notion of loneliness. True quality in social relationships is vital to dispel the sense of being alone. Loneliness is an emotional state with insufficient meaningful connection with others who can be relied upon.
I know this feeling of being in the throng but knowing loneliness. You may also have had this same experience: I seem to be frequently attending funerals in these twilight years. There have been occasions where I am a stranger in this massed celebration of an associate’s life. I stand in splendid isolation, coffee in one hand, sandwich in the other, searching the gathering for a familiar face and vacantly witnessing the hubbub. I am isolated, alone, and lonely.
The alternative lifestyle Thoreau (American naturist) had this insight into that predicament:
“We are for the most part more lonely when we go abroad among men than when we stay in our chambers. A man thinking or working is always alone; let him be where he will. Solitude is not measured by the miles of space that intervene between a man and his fellows.”
Conclusion
I have one very special, remaining dear friend. We “chew the fat” together every Thursday. He lost his wife a few years ago when he was declared legally blind. I shared my thoughts with him about loneliness and asked how he copes. His answer was, “Get a dog!”
Whilst this reply may seem trite. Perhaps there is some wisdom here
I have researched possible therapies for managing the scourge of loneliness:
Just like the recluses mentioned earlier, reflect on the alone-ness as a precious time of solitude, where it is possible to meditate and affirm the positives of our being.
Find joy in the release from the compulsion of “shoulds” in life and relish the opportunity to express God-given creative options in a hobby. You now have the time.
Look for opportunities to engage with and contribute to the functions and volunteer activities in the neighbourhood…There is great contentment in giving and being needed by others.
Reach out…Phone an associate. The stigma of calling someone and feeling needy is usually false… Relationships are a fundamental part of life.
Be bold and talk to a stranger…Often, we discover fellow travellers who share common interests…Be surprised to encounter the joy of sharing and listening.
In times of crisis help is available from empathic trained listeners at on-line counselling.
We began with a poem; let’s finish with an extract from a well-known poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox. She muses that solitude is about the relationship between the individual and the outside world, oscillating between happiness and sorrow.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
Sing, and the hills will answer;
Sigh, it is lost on the air;
The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
But shrink from voicing care.
And so we have come full circle from loneliness to solitude…Finishing on a positive note it seems that If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company. Solitude, once we settle into it, is a wonderful thing. It is the soul’s holiday, an opportunity to stop doing for others and to surprise and delight ourselves instead.
Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani…My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?…Hear the anguished, final scream of loneliness that resonates to shatter the complacency of the entire Christian world.
Thank you, Charlie Shears, for sharing this information and your views. I am sure our members and I appreciate them.
I am sure many of our members who live alone can appreciate this condition. This letter allows us to understand and be aware of it. The vision and purpose of AAH are to enable our members to meet new friends, but it is up to you to take the meeting to the next stage by being involved in activities and social events and, more importantly, fostering and developing relationships with others—time to read that other blog at the start of this blog.
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